solomama

It's been almost an entire year since my last entry and I can't believe how much has changed since then.  My friends came through for me again.  I'm sure my parents are surprised that A. and I are still living with my friends.  And that we are still friends!  My parents didn't do one thing to help me with my move.  In fact, somehow they were able to make it more complicated with their stupid Colorado house and their stuff.  But by some miracle, we got moved. 

We haven't seen M. since last July.  And I very rarely talk to him.  Sometimes I think I forget that M. even exists and that he is A's father.  A. has been asking more and more lately "where is my daddy?"  It's so hard to know how to answer, even though he's only 3 and he might not even understand the total concept of families.  Although it would amuse me to comment that he has no dad, that's untrue, and I don't ever want him to feel like I'm keeping things from him.  So lately I've been telling him what I believe to be true.  "Where's my daddy?" usually gets an answer of "work" or "his house."  Sometimes A. will tell me that his dad is at his house (like our house), and I tell him "no, daddy is a daddy's house."  And A. will ask me where his house is and I will tell him that I don't know.  Because I really don't.

A couple times though, A. wil say to me, "I lost my daddy."  This makes me unbelieveably sad.  And sometimes I will tell him that his dad lost him.

Last night I had a dream about M.  For some reason I was reading an article/interview with him or something.  It talked about how successful he was in various things, and he was engaged to some younger woman and they both had very successful careers together.  And she was pregnant.  When asked if he had any other children, he answered that he did have a son from a previous relationship.  And there was a link to my flickr page and it made me so angry that he would try to take credit for my son.  As if he had something to do with it all.  And it made me feel so bad for A., because in the dream, M. was just like he was in real life.  Totally absent from our lives.  But here he was starting this new family and it made me feel like we weren't good enough.

Thankfully I woke up from that totally unrealistic nightmare.  I don't think he would be capable of being a doting husband/father to anyone.  And it is laughable that I could even have a dream about him being successful in his career.

I still feel guilty sometimes about the whole situation.  I doubt A. will ever really know his father.  And sometimes I feel like I should be the one to make more of an effort to help them establish a relationship.  But getting M. to do anything takes way too much energy, and I don't have it.  And I've been disappointed by him too many times.  I don't want A. to ever know that kind of disappointment.

Lately I've been wanting to do more things just for me.  And I'm very lucky to have a great group of people willing to help me out, including my parents, who have been pretty great overall after the whole moving fiasco.  I just wish that M. would participate at least a little bit in helping me out.  But he's always been very unreliable, so I guess it's a good thing I don't count on him to do anything.

Meanwhile, T. has been great with A., even though I have made it clear that I'm very unsure about the direction of our relationship.  I'm trying to focus on the good things now, instead of the negative things.  Sometimes it's getting more difficult for me to overlook the bad.  But a lot of times when I watch him with A., I'm amazed at the man I see in front of me.  I think I used to be afraid that the relationship wasn't real, that it was just to get back at me for being a bitch to him so many years ago (I know, I'm just a little too paranoid and not very trusting of others' intentions sometimes).  But I think I'm starting to realize how much he really cares about me and A. - he's done way more than his fair share of what should be M.'s responsibilites.

So that is it for today, maybe more to come.  I've decided I need another outlet to vent to, because I'm sure my friends are tired of me using them as an alternative to a therapist.

I told my mom I'm thinking about moving back "home."  I miss my friends and I hate it here.  I hate the snow.  I hate the isolation.  I hate the stupid stuckup rich town I live in that I don't belong in.  I told her there is more for me and that my friends will help me out.

She tells me basically that my friends won't really be there for me.  They may say they will, but they won't.  And I'll be in the same situaion I am in here, but I won't have my brother who has "helped out so much."  

Hmmmm....as I recall, I moved here because my parents basically were going to live here until they died.  Had I known that they would bail after the first year because my mom didn't really like helping as much as she thought, I would have never moved out here in the first place.

And I can't believe she would say that about my friends, the ones who I will never be able to repay for all the things they've done for me.  When I needed them, they literally dropped everything and helped me out.  

This is the same woman who told me that M. never loved me.  Although sometimes I want to believe that, it is just not true.  He really did love me.  He just didn't love the responsibility that comes with being married and having a family.

I'm never going to be good enough for them.  My parents.  My mom.  After almost 27 years you would think they would get it.  They would get me.  But they don't and they never will.

I've come to accept the fact that I will probably never get married or have more kids.  I know, I'm still young.  But that's what it looks like to me.  And I used to say "if I have more kids" and now it's "I probably won't, but if I had another kid" and my mom still tells me "NO.  Do not do that."  Because she doesn't think I will ever be in permanent relationship and she also thinks I suck at being a parent.

My mom said that M. was too controlling, which may be true.  But the reason she didn't like me to be controlled by M. is because she wants to be the one pulling the strings.

Well, Mother, the strings are about to be cut.

Saturday evening I dropped Alex off at the drop-in daycare center.  I had plans to come back home and clean up the house a little without him getting in my way.  Of course, instead, I came back to the house and took a nap and watched tv.  I don't feel too guilty about it because he really enjoys going there.  I went back to pick him up and I was feeling more than a little down.  And sometimes when I feel like that, I take stupid endless drives to nowhere.  Of course, I had left my cell phone at home and I was driving on some back roads and had no clue where I would end up.

Obviously, we made it back alive.

Yesterday I couldn't bring myself to go to work.  So I called in saying Alex was sick - I let him stay home with me, he hasn't seemed 100% for a day or two.  And somehow, magically, last night I woke up at 1 a.m. with the stomach flu.  How awesome is that?  So I am not at work today again.   I had to call my bro to take Alex to daycare and I hope I am well enough to pick him up tonight or I am totally screwed.

M. is coming to visit next month.  How fucking awesome is that?  

It is horrible timing.  It seems like I go through these 6 month cycles - at the end I hit a new low point of my life and then things gradually get better until they start to plummet again.  And of course he will be here just in time for me to hit rock bottom and possibly do things that I will most likely regret later.

Ugh.  Everytime I get sick, I wish I had someone.  I even wish I was still with M.  He may not have been much help, but he usually came home everynight, so at least if something happened to me, someone would come home and discover the body.

I know this is stupid to think about, but if something happened to me while Alex was home with me, no one would probably know.  If I didn't pick Alex up from daycare, that would be one thing.  But there isn't anyone I talk to on a regular basis who would notice if they hadn't heard from me in a while.

Don't know why I suddenly feel like this.  It seems like only a week or two ago I felt like I had a pretty fabulous life considering my situation.  And now I feel slightly above suicidal.

It's hard feeling so isolated.  I try to put myself out there, I really do.  But it seems the things I find aren't really what I need right now. 

So I'm starting to feel bummed again.  My mom was out here for 2 weeks and that put me in a permanent bad mood.  She's been gone for 2 weeks and I'm still trying to recover.  I haven't spoken to her since she left.  All she did while she was here was make more work for me, get Alex off his schedule, and insult me everytime she had the chance.  Reminding me that I know nothing about parenting.  Which I don't completely believe - looking at her two adult children and how we've turned out, it doesn't really appear that she is/was exactly an expert.

I have been very irritated lately.  My best friend here got back together with her ex-fiance.  The one she was supposed to marry twice before.  I try to keep my mouth shut, because, hello, I'm not only single, but divorced.  Lately it seems like she has been putting me down in subtle ways.  

We had lunch on Wednesday together and she basically told me that in my position at work, I couldn't understand the stress of her job.  Which is total crap, because maybe my job right now isn't stressful, but I have definitely known stress before in work.  Coming away from that lunch, I felt like shit.  And it really sucks because I felt like she was my only real friend here.

I'm so mad that I'm out here.  It is so hard.  I have no one.  I have my bro and his new wife, but other than that, I feel completely isolated and alone.

When my mom was here she said she doesn't have anyone, except for my dad.  And I'm like, hello, you idiot, I don't even have that.  I pointed out that she has girlfriends that she sees sometimes and she says she doesn't see them that often.  It pisses me off.  She thinks she understands what my life is like.  

I think my mom is one of those women who felt like she was a single mom a lot because my dad traveled a lot.  Well, I have news for her.  That is nothing like being a single mother.  When you are a stay at home mom, even if your husband travels a lot for business, you still have support from your spouse.  Emotional support, just from a phone call.  And one can never underestimate the value of financial support.  She never had to worry about how she was going to pay for food.

I guess in a way I don't have to worry that much.  I haven't paid rent in a few months and while my mom was here, I didn't have to pay for food.  So in a sense I am lucky.  But I don't feel that their financial help gives them permission to say things constantly to put me down.  Who cares if M. never really loved me?  I know I've mentioned this before.  Maybe he didn't.  But it's over now - how many times do I need to be reminded that he just used me and didn't love me at all?  I don't necessarily think that is true, but it's hard to believe otherwise when I keep hearing it.

Barely into the new year and already Alex and I have been sick.  Strep this time.  Which sucks because I freaking had it a month ago.  Not cool.

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Alex is 2 now.  Wow, time is really going by quickly.  I can't believe we've been out here for almost 2 years now.  It seems sometimes like we've been out here forever.  

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I can't remember what I wrote about in my last post, but my best guy friend (B.) from 6 years ago is back in my life.  We hadn't really been friends since right before I started dating M.  

B. told me back in October that his sister was moving out here soon.  Februaryish.  We've been talking pretty regularly since then.  He had told me he wanted to come visit me after his sister moved out here.  I talked to him last week and he asked me when I would be coming back east to visit and I told him I planned to come out this summer.  He said that was too long to wait and he started looking at air fares online.  He wants to come see me really soon.  Before his sister gets here (I guess she won't be moving until March).

Part of me wonders why he wants to see me so badly.  Part of me is nervous about seeing him - I don't think I've seen him in over 3 years.  I'm also not sure about what he's thinking is going to happen.  He confessed he had feelings for me a long time ago and that basically was the start of the end of our friendship.  Surely he can't still have feelings for me after all this time?  And if perhaps he does have feelings for me, I'm afraid things might happen while he is here.  Possibly for the wrong reasons.  Maybe because I've been so lonely and craving some affection.  And I don't want him to have feelings for me if I don't think I can reciprocate.

And what if I can reciprocate those feelings that I am assuming he has?  I don't think I can deal with a long distance relationship.

I know I'm getting way ahead of things and worrying for absolutely no reason - but why would he want to come out and see me?  I don't understand it at all.  Today he asked me when I am moving back.  And I told him never.

And then a part of me is excited and wants to see him.  And I feel badly that he is the one that will come out to see me.  He's the one who is going to go out of his way to visit me and my son.  

M. wouldn't do that when I left.  He didn't try to win me back.  And M. is never going to go out of his way to see his own son.

Maybe that's why I can't understand why B. would come see me.  Even just as friends.  I'm not used to people going out of their way for me (that's not completely true - my best friends have come to my rescue more than a couple of times).  M. couldn't drive 10 minutes out of his way to have lunch with me at work.  Why would B. fly more than halfway across the country just to see me?

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Maybe 2008 is the year I finally will get real help and do what I need to do to make it stick.  Lately I've been having more good days than bad, but I know how things usually go.  And I'm afraid to get to a low point again.  Because the last time that happened, I honestly am surprised that I made it out okay.

I'm hoping this is the year I will finally get it together.

So I had quite the crazy weekend.  Had to work Friday, but a friend of mine wanted me to go with her on Friday night.  Her brother was in town, and she's been wanting to set us up for a while, despite the fact that he was in Iraq until July and doesn't even live in our state now.  We went downtown and wow, I should not be allowed to drink, ever.  I texted like half the people in my phone at 2 a.m. to tell them how awesome I am.  It was a fun night.  I wasn't expecting much because I was "friends" with her brother on myspace over the summer and then for no reason, he deleted me!  But we ended up having a great time, but unfortunately he went back home on Saturday.

I guess the fun and scary part of being single is the dating.  And I've been thinking about it and a lot of times it really isn't that fun.  It was brought to my attention a while back that I have dated a lot of men.  Which I didn't really believe, because when I think of dating, I think of serious relationships and going out on actual dates.  Not just "hanging" out with guys.  But I guess I have done a lot of both, considering the fact I got married at 22.

Being single means that a lot of people want to set you up with someone else, which I am all for.  Except this weekend I learned a very important lesson that you should be a little more choosy with who I let set me up.  I've made some new friends at work.  Older friends, like my parents' age, and last week we all went to happy hour.  One of the women I work with said that she and her husband have a friend that they would like to set me up with.  So of course I said okay.  And we all met at this white trash bar on Saturday to watch a football game.  The guy was nice enough, but I swear she had told me that he was 28.  I didn't ask him how old he was, because I couldn't figure out how to ask tactfully.  I'm thinking he was older than M.  And I'm definitely not looking for a man who is that much older than me.  I'm not totally against it with the right person, but I honestly think that the age difference was a small part of the problem in my marriage (along with a billion other things).

Yeah, I'm not really sure what exactly I found wrong with the guy.  Definitely no chemistry.  I had known going into the evening that he was quiet, but he seemed to try to make a big effort to keep the conversation going (which, really, isn't saying much, because I can have a 2 person conversation by myself).  I guess I kind of felt like we didn't have a lot in common.  He seemed more like a small town kind of guy (even though he lived in Denver).  He's just one of those guys who probably wants to be in a relationship but is too shy/awkward to get one going with the right person.  I know this wasn't the first time he's been set up.

He walked me to my car at the end of the night and we exchanged phone numbers.  He called me last night and I let the call go to voicemail.  I can't even bring myself to listen to it.  Which is stupid and immature of me and makes me believe that maybe I am not really mature enough to date.  But I really don't want to go out with him again.  I know I should just tell him that.  But I think that rejecting someone is worse than being rejected yourself.  Although the awkwardness of rejecting is over a lot quicker than being rejected. 

I don't know if there is really a point to this whole entry, except that I'm not even sure I want to date.  I love the idea of it in my mind, but the reality is awkward and sometimes painful.  Which is one reason why I didn't leave M. earlier.  I'm so picky, and I'm not even sure what I'm picky about.  I just know the chemistry when I feel it.  And I'm afraid that I'm never going to find what I felt with M.  And really, I don't know how many more awkward setups I can take.

But in a way it is kind of exciting.  Moving on is fun.

Alex and I are now officially both sick.  And it is awesome.  

Grrrr.

I stayed home today.  Probably could have gone to work, but I feel like crap AND I hate my job.

Definitely going to have to stay home tomorrow.  I still feel like crap and Alex woke up 2 hours after I put him to bed and is screaming.

I want to scream too.  Except my throat hurts too bad.

This sucks ass. 

Well, I just told my brother about my new job.  And the fact that I quit my old one a while ago and I'm only temping now.  So it will probably be a matter of minutes before he calls our parents to tattle on me.

I haven't talked to either one of my parents for 2 weeks now.  Which is probably the longest I've gone without speaking to them in my life.  And it's not like there is a reason for it.  They haven't called me and now that it's been so long, I don't want to call them because I'm afraid there is some reason that they are not talking to me.  

It's actually kind of ridiculous.

They are going to find out about me being jobless.  I'm not sure how much I'm going to admit to, because it's pretty bad that I lied to them all summer and pretended to go to work while they were visiting.  But really, what else was I supposed to do?  I was getting pretty stressed out when they were asking me/lecuturing about my brother's unemployment status.  I can't imagine what I would have had to endure if I had told them I quit my job.

It's been a tough couple of months, but I truly believe I made the right decision.  But I know that my parents would not have approved, and will still lecture me even though things are ending up way better for me in the end.

Unfortunately I don't think my parents will see all the positives in my life.  They won't see that I'm getting it all together.  

I'm not going to let their negativity affect me.  I will never be good enough for them.  So I'm not even going to try to please them anymore.  I have to focus on just Alex and me for right now. 

Just when I get to the point that I can't handle anymore, God throws me something that reminds me that we're going to get through this.

I am beyond thrilled about my new job.  I got the offer package via UPS today.  All 5 pounds of it!

I'm still sick and feel pretty crappy in that sense, but I have this newfound energy because I finally feel like I'm on the verge of getting it all together.  Like this job is the thing that is going to make me straighten out my life.

And that stupid guy thing that I swear I'm going to stop talking about (for real!) - getting this job has made me forget all about it.  I feel ridiculous for getting so upset over it and I'm over it.  Because there are fabulous things ahead for me. 

Oh yes, it is an evening full of The Wiggles.  Because mommy is sick.  And tired.  And very ready for bedtime.

Other than feeling pretty crappy, today was a fabulous day.  For real.  Because I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Which means I can quit this shitty temp job that sucks ass.  Rock on.  

And to celebrate, Alex and I went to Applebee's.  I thought about it while we were sitting there, and going out to eat to celebrate something is kind of a dumb tradition that I do not want to continue.  

Also, why is it odd for a mother and toddler to go out to eat?  I walk in, chasing my toddler, and the host was like "table for 3?"  DOES IT LOOK LIKE THERE ARE 3 OF US?

And the waiter didn't ask if we wanted dessert.  It was like he was trying to shove us out of there as soon as possible.  I actually wanted dessert, but he brought us the check practically when our dinner came out.  Which actually ended up to be a good thing, because I definitely did not need to spend more money on dessert that ultimately would make me feel worse about myself.

I don't mind doing things by myself or doing things just with Alex.  Sometimes it's nice to be able to do whatever I want.  Go to whatever movies I want without someone else complaining about the choice.  But I'm still hoping that one day, I won't have to do it all alone.  Especially on a night like tonight.  Alex is in his crib with some books talking/reading to himself, and I am in bed.  Because I don't even have enough energy to stand anymore.  I barely have enough energy to type this.